Coffee with All4Cure: Sarah (3/4)

When I was in the middle of nursing school a couple of years after my bone marrow transplant, it was time for midterms, and I had a big exam coming up. I was in remission but was dealing with a lot of anxiety about how to live my life and plan my future. I remember waking up on the morning of the exam, my heart racing, tearful for no reason. I thought “I don't know what I'm doing. I can’t do this. I don’t feel like I did before my cancer diagnosis, but I don't know what I'm supposed to feel like after it.” I wanted to feel like my diagnosis had never happened. But it’s not true, I can't feel like that. I failed my midterm that day--the only test I've ever failed. I still completed that class with a B I think, but the experience highlighted for me that I wasn’t coping well with my myeloma diagnosis and it was enough for me to go talk to a counselor. One thing she had me do was something that I absolutely hated in the moment but ended up being one of the most helpful things I have ever done. She gave me the task to write down all the things that cancer had created in my life that were positive. I was so angry with the assignment. How could anything about this diagnosis be good? Cancer is not good at all! I can't even think of one thing. I went home and was just so angry at the thought of it, I couldn’t focus. I went out to a coffee shop and sat with my journal and thought, “All right, I'll write down one thing, be done with the assignment, and I won't have to think about it anymore until the next appointment.” I started writing and before I knew it had 15 or 16 things written down. I think writing that list began my practice of thinking about gratitude and it began to take the paralyzing power of fear away from the disease. Thinking of the ways my diagnosis had changed things in a positive way allowed me to think about my life and future differently. It does not take away the negatives, but it balances it a little to highlight the positives. Things like developing a closer relationship with my mom and with my boyfriend (now husband), and becoming a nurse which I love but probably wouldn’t have done otherwise. I'm not always successful at being grateful and focusing on the positives, but I try to think of small things every day. I try not to worry about the things I can't control and instead just focus on what I can be grateful for in this moment.